i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
