I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
