Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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