I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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