Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
