After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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