At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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