Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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