I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
