I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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