Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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