My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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