LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize