Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
