god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize