So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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