well I can't set my house on fire every night
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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