watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
