I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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