Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
