my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Is Oprah even human
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
