sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
