did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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