Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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