Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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