i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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