ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
