is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
