I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
