There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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