I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
