I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
