And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You are the jesus of drinking
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