I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize