She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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