Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
