Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
