bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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