And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
