It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
