Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Randomize
