thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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