last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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