May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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