I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
