3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
