upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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