You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
