Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
