I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
