she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
