I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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