i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
