Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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