He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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