Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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