Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
